Handshakes, Hugging or…. Personal Mugging?

Now before we start I’m not as cold as ice, I really do have warm blood running through my veins not Slush Puppie Ice.  I also don’t have a swinging brick instead of a heart.  But….. for some reason, I’m picky when it comes to handshakes and hugs.


Let us start with handshakes…..not really a fan either.  Why?  I’ll explain how I see it.  Whether it’s a place of work, a function, shopping centres or service stations just off the motorways, on this beautiful round earth, I’ve seen plenty of men leaving the toilet cubical or urinal and walking straight out with not even a glance at the soap dispenser and sink.  Not having been in a woman’s toilet….. are some women the same?  I have seen countless people sneeze in to their hands; I’ve even seen people wipe the drip of a runny snob from their nose just as they’re about to shake your hand….hmmmmmmmm, no thanks!!

Even though some then dry the residue snob down their leg, thinking that ‘that’s going to give the hygienic clean that’ll do the trick……..’ No, it’s not!  But whatever state your hand is in, whether it’s after having a number 1, number 2 or wiping a runny snob, if you are going to shake someone’s hand, then make it a real one.

Snob leg.png

Let it be a handshake with confidence and strength and most importantly with the best eye contact any good, sincere human being can give.

There’s nothing more irritating than a person with a urinated, snobby stained, soft, limp handshake, who then gives you no eye contact.  Especially if the person does all that, but looks to see who else they would rather talk to in the room.

But, I always have a plan for these false Muppets.  I don’t let go of their hand, and start asking questions that I am not even interested in, to see the split personality come out.  This is where they want to speak to another person in the room they believe is more important than yourself, but they’re in a dilemma because they also want to stay and talk about themselves.  But the key to my master plan is that if they stay, you either wind them up to boiling point where they wished they hadn’t stayed or leave them in full flow and talk to somebody else or just rescue another sandwich at the buffet table that you didn’t want in the first place.  So you see, a good clean handshake with meaning can make all the difference.

Then there’s the standard HUG.  Whether it’s men or women, I struggle either way.  Let’s start with hugging women.  When I do hug a woman there are a few things going through my mind.  Do I (like the handshake) give a good strong close hug?  But if I do, are they in the first place only hugging me for the sake of it and at the last minute turn sideways

rubber van

with usually the hand bag in between us.  Then both parties are being pierced in the side by the bag and it’s usually me that has the zip end.  Then there’s the hug where you both squeeze tight and all different kinds of body parts touch (not complaining by the way!) and wonder how long do you stay like this before it gets to a point that somebody shouts “GET A ROOM!”  Or one of you hugs for too long and the other person feels awkward, waits for the tumble weed to pass then shouts ”CALL THE POLICE!” and one of you get taken away in a straight jacket and put in the back of a rubber van.

Adding to the complication of hugging, there might be the odd kiss on the cheek or both cheeks thrown in.  Some kisses touch but some don’t, now I’m really lost….. what do you do for the best?  Some even make a sound like I can only describe as a deep “MEOW” sound.  So after the stress of working out how long to hug for and waiting to see if some of you kiss my actual cheeks or I listen to your lips kissing fresh air as just our cheeks touch, then (and this is not all women), I’m waiting for the patch of foundation to be left on each cheek which is usually left in a small round circle.  So the rest of the event I’m walking around like I’ve used a picture of Aunt Sally from Worzel Gummidge to mimic my makeup skills.  Also never use your shirt collar to wipe it off because the wife will only assume the worst and that one hug has cost you a night in the garden shed and divorce proceedings.  I am then in quandary as to where on your body to put my hands? And where on earth you’re going to put yours?

kiss cheek

You can’t go to low (Or can you?)  And you can’t go too high as feeling their bra just isn’t right!  You certainly can’t hold your hands in the air as other people looking will think the person that you’re hugging is unclean and smells.

Of course this also depends how tall or short you both are, and that’s not including the circumference of each person and how attractive or unattractive they are.  Some families love a hug, I know this as I’m involved in one.  I kid you not, they’ll hug when they come in and visit but if one of them left something in the car outside they’ll hug again as if they’re off to the other side of the world and never coming back.  The jury is still out on hugs from family and friends when a loved one dies.  They’re telling you what happened but holding the tears back, but the person listening thinks a hug is the answer, and from the other side of the room walks towards you looking like a zombie from a cheap “B” Movie with their arms out, eventually makes it to you, hugs you and makes you cry, so now you’re feeling Policemanworse and more upset than if they just sat and listened or better still went in to the kitchen and made you a cup of tea.  I am thinking that the only answer for me wear some white gloves and keep a whistle in my mouth, looking like some New York traffic Policeman when anyone comes near to me.

I was going to talk about a man hug……but I’ve decided not to go there!  It’s all rather stressful for me, hence the reason why when it comes to women and men for that matter it’s easier to just say “HELLO!”

As ever on the Easy Blend I’m listening to some great music, today it has to be The Police, Don’t stand so close to me…

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

Until the next Easy Blend blog……….. 

Stay warm and fuzzy……..