Dare I camp again…..??

My first camping disaster on a campsite. I actually have three, but for this blog I shall only tell you one though I do believe that, the Gods of this world were telling me “Dave…… Camping, my friend, is not for you!”

It was a beautiful hot summer’s day, 2 weeks off from work, still living with my parents (the year 1991) so had not a care in the world. My 3 friends and I decided to take a trip to Cornwall. We packed some clothes in any old bag and squeezed a rather large tent that none of us had ever seen before, into the back of my friends Fiesta XR2i. Tracy Chapman’s ‘Fast Cars’ tape was turned up full volume, the windows were down and the wind was fiercely blowing in my ‘then’ hair……..life was good…… and easy!

Severn Bridge

Travelling along the M4 Motorway, to our left in the distance was Chepstow, as we approached the old Severn Bridge taking us over the Severn Estuary. The question that always comes to mind is always……”will the tide be in or out?” I’ve heard the currents are very dangerous…. not sure about the sultanas though. Of course if the tide is out then there’s miles of mud, even now I think “Don’t want to be stuck in that when the tide comes in!” But why would I? I’ve never been down to the mud bank, Punch in the mouthso unless I fell out of the car window it wouldn’t happen. Anyway, we had just paid £1.00 to drive over the old Severn Bridge. Yep, remember the good old days when it was £1.00 each way, not like it is today, £6.80 for a car!! This price always leaves you feeling like you’ve just been stripped naked and beaten!

After leaving the M4 Motorway, we were all feeling good as we drove around the large sweeping bend on to the M5 Motorway. It was always a good feeling as a child, because the M5 was confirmation….. you knew we were really on the way to Cornwall. As I said, the sun was out so it was very hot, but we had already made our first mistake…. well, in fact we had made a few but the first one (that we found, which clearly none of us owned up to), was when we had stopped off at the services for a toilet break. My friends Mum had gone in to the sweet drawer in the kitchen before we left for the holidays and gave us a brand spanking new bag of fun size Mars bars that we placed on the parcel shelf up against the rear window (a rookie mistake, I know). Before we set off on our journey again I reached in grabbing the bag…….. the bag of squidgy, liquid, melted fun size Mars Bars (not so “fun” anymore!) I will take credit for the idea that followed, and that was to tie the bag of fun size Mars Bars on to the rear wiper of the tailgate outside of the car, in the hope that by the time we made it to Cornwall, they would have gone hard from the cold air of travelling at 70mph….. alright 80mph…….. alright maybe 85ish mph. Did they go hard you ask yourselves? I’ll tell you at the end of this blog.   With no traffic to be seen, we were feeling cool taking in the miles and miles ofBlack bales fields either side of the M5 being flummoxed and asking each other “Why it is that no matter what long journey you take, there is always a single dead tree in the middle of a field?” Anyway, as we came to the end of the M5 we made our way on to the A and B roads. The scenery was stunning, field after field with rolling hills in between, laughing at the same joke as we gazed at the many sheep in the fields in amongst the large black plastic balls of wrapped up hay saying “WOW…..The rabbits in that field must be HUGE!!” (I’ll give you some time to think about that one).

At this point Tracy Chapman was still playing (and by the way, I still can’t get enough of the Fast Cars album), when suddenly my friend stretched out his hand to the knob on the cassette player, turning the music down. He looked at us with a smile on his face, “Boys…… the tent doesn’t have a ground sheet, but don’t worry, my Dad gave me a plastic sheet that we can put down over the grass”. I was about to turn the music back up when he spoke again “But it’s the plastic sheet that he uses when mixing up cement on the drive.” We all looked at one another and thanked him for telling us…… when we were past the point of no return!

Eventually we came to the first camp site, so in we drove and made our way to reception. The lady took one look at us “NO!” Yes, we were eighteen years old but we were a nice bunch! I hadn’t even blinked and we were back in the car to the next camp site and the next and the next and the next and… ….Ground sheet floor planwell we lost count of the camp sites that rejected us.   Eventually, the last camp site we came to, the time now 9.30pm, we were given permission to camp but only for 1 night at the cost of…… wait for it (because it still brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it) £30…… £30!! It was 1991 not the year 2191. However, he had us by the short and curlies and there was nothing we could do, but put up our tent for the first time ever. By 10.45pm the tent was up (in some shape) with a 12 inch gap all around the bottom of the tent and an even bigger gap around the edge as the sheet of plastic looked like the map of Italy covered in lumps on cement which wasn’t exactly ideal considering the tent was square.

The next mistake we all made was that the 4 of us forgot to bring pillows, so we improvised by rolling up our jeans, you’ll be surprised how comfortable Levi 501’s can be. As we laid in our sleeping bags, the owner of the camp site turned up to see us, he was wearing an Australian bush hat, waist coat and jeans (we figured he thought he was HarleyCrocodile Dundee) on a Harley Davidson! Of course, there was no need to unzip the tent door due to the large gap around the bottom of the tent, so we stuck our heads out through the gap. “Lads, keep it quiet tonight and be gone in the morning!” he then straddled his beautiful Harley Davidson and rode off………it would have made no difference if we had a rave that night and bought the loudest stereo in the world with the biggest speakers….it was never going to be as loud as his Motorcycle.

The next day we packed up to make our way home thinking we were never going to be accepted on any camp site being a group of 4 boys, when another friend mentioned a camp site in Devon, in the little seaside town of Woolacombe. We reached the town mid afternoon and by the power of the camping Gods they let us in straight away and for a week. As it was daylight, we took our time putting up the tent, but it made no difference, the tent and the poles didn’t match. Either the tent was too small or the poles were too long and the ground sheet….. well, we did spend time picking off as many of the lumps of cement but could do nothing about the size or shape. We did have a master plan….and that was to use our bags along the bottom of the tent to save us from the wind but in reality it made no difference. Outside TentThen one of my friends (I can’t give you a name as he now has a very important job now, but he did like to wear big buckles on his belt, and yes his ‘jeans pillow’ wasn’t as comfy as ours) one night decided to sleep half in the tent and half out because he felt sick, which in fact he was, this was the scene we all woke up to in the morning

So the easiest option was to cover the sick with grass (I know…..lovely, Dave) than move the tent, whilst using one of the many gaps at the bottom of the tent as our new doorway.

Now, not having a correctly fitting tent and ground sheet can cause problems…..they don’t stop bugs and insects from joining you, this I know from firsthand experience. As the 4 of us lay on our backs in our sleeping bags chatting and laughing before going to sleep, something landed in my mouth at the precise moment I laughed.

“Alright then boys……Who threw something?”

All together it was a resounding “Nope, not me!”

Luckily I was on torch duty that night, so I sat up and spat on to the grass and there it was……Was it a bit of rolled paper? Was it a bottle top? Was it a blueberry muffin? Was it an Earwig……………..? Sleeping bagsWhy YES! YES it was! So for the rest of the week before going to bed it was “Hit off the Earwigs from inside the tent duty” and once that task was done we would all place pieces of toilet roll in our ears because…. well……. isn’t it obvious they’re Earwigs ‘DUUUHH!’ The last thing we needed was for the Earwigs to take a stroll in to our ears and eat our brains…… just how stupid do you think we were?

Halfway through the holiday I even woke up with the 3 of them staring at me with a look of horror of their faces. I first thought I was covered in earwigs with my brain sticking out of my ears…..but NO! Up until this point in my life only my Mum and Dad knew my sleeping habits, and the one thing I feared happened. Sometimes….and by the way, I’ve not done it for years, but I used to make a droning noise. This woke them all up as they were amazed by how long I could drone for without taking a breath. The only way I can describe it is…… picture yourselves on a sunny warm sunny afternoon having a cup of tea when everything near you is quiet, but far away in the distance you can hear a droning sound of a motorcycle in the distance……well that’s what I sound like…… apparently….

Oh, and just to give you some serious information on the fun size Mars Bars that melted in the back of the car……once melted it doesn’t matter how long your journey is or how fast your travelling if it’s HOT…. they will forever stay melted.

As usual on the Easy Blend I’m listening to some great music, today it has to be Tracy Chapman, Fast Cars

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

Until the next Easy Blend blog……….. 

Stay warm and fuzzy……..

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Fun in the Forestry

Now I’m trying to be informative for this Blog.  I’ve been away for the week having fun, getting wet and wild and being naughty.  Panting hard, a little out of breath sometimes whilst indulging myself in things I don’t normally do……but isn’t that what some holidays are all about?  I know you’re getting excited just imagining where I’ve been…….center-parcs

 

I’ve been on and off for the last twenty years and love it just as much as the first time; for us it’s always a winter holiday.  For those who have never been……let me give you an imaginary tour of what goes on.

You can either go Friday to Monday or like the Frantony family, Monday to Friday.  Since it opened, we drive to the Longleat Centre Parcs as its only a 1.5 hour drive from where we live.

driveway-in

As you turn into the entrance off the main road, you’re immediately on a lane driving through the forest where you collect the keys to the villa (which you can’t go in until  3pm) from the log cabin reception.

So what to do until 3pm?  LOTS!

Park the car/van/ Land Rover Defender in the car park just past reception then taking the bag of swimwear (that you packed in a separate bag), take the 5 minute walk to the main swimming dome.

dome

As you enter through the glass doors, the first operation is to take your scarf, hat and gloves off at lightning speed as its very warm inside.

In the Dome you have Restaurants, Coffee shops, mini super market, Bars, gift shops and a bowling alley, lush green plants, waterfalls and fish ponds full of gold fish and large Koi Karp and if you want to take a closer look, there are some stepping stones and a wooden bridge.  By the way, if you open the swimming bag and there’s nothing in there, don’t think you have to swim nude, as there’s also a swim shop at the entrance to the Subtropical Swimming Paradise.

There’s plenty of changing rooms with a door either side; one for in, the other out and in to the shower area.  Please remember to close and lock both doors as I walked in to a cubical once and saw what resembled something that would be suitable for parking your push bike in.

Once inside the centre of the swimming dome (constant temperature of 29.5C) where the swimming pool is situated, you see that the walkways are all in crazy paving with stone walls and more lush green plants everywhere.  It’s free to enter and everything to do inside is free too!

white-slide

As you follow the lovely crazy paving pathway up an incline you have a small bar area where they sell hot food and drinks (Amstel beer on tap) a rope bridge with timber flooring and more crazy paving, and then the junction where the fun begins.  Before I go any further, don’t think this is just for kids, there’s a mix of all ages, shapes and sizes and I mean all ages, shapes and sizes!  You’re never too old to smile and have fun, I know because I tried being an adult and being serious…….its way over-rated…..I won’t do that again!

slide-racing-car

To the one side there are two white slides, one is straight, the other has a bump in it.  Both are very short, but don’t be fooled as you’ll reach the bottom before any F1 car.

You’ll splash in to the water at a terrific speed in what looks like a cave….. “Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh” I hear you say! That’s right, a cave, that’s what I said!  Then you have two green tube slides, if you’re hard, the lower and shorter one is for you, but if you’re double hard, then the higher and longer one is for you.  Feel free to cry in either one as you’ll be disguised by the lashings of water hitting your face, again you’ll come out in what looks like a cave.

Once you walk back around to the junction of fun, in whatever exciting thrill you seek next, you’ll have the entrance to the outside pool.  As I’ve said, we go to Centre Parcs in the winter and it really doesn’t matter what the weather is like.  You’ll see steps that will take you in to another pool with a plastic curtain, and as you swim through….well, it’s all outside.  The water is warm with steam rising up, rocks and plants and trees cover the edges of the pool.  Standing outside the pool there are more life guards that you can shake a stick at, which is always good to know.

Halfway around the outside they also have a plunge pool (its icy cold) only once I’ve experienced jumping in…..NEVER AGAIN!!  I had to double check my birth certificate to see if I was a man or a woman.  Also outside you have the ‘Rapids’, very long rapids that cascade with fast running water into bends, dips and slides.  Again all amongst rocks, plants and trees and if you make it to the end it will take you back inside the dome ready for you to repeat it a 1000 times…….and you will.  But I do have a few tips for you on the rapids.  I always leave my wedding ring at home, WHY?  Well, it came off my finger many years ago in the rapids and I thought it was gone forever.  The lifeguard took down my name and villa number telling me he’d check the filters at the end of the night, and miraculously he found it!!  Again a very big thank you!!

kicked-in-rapids

As for other tips …….  For the men entering the outside pool down the steps and through the plastic curtain, if there is a small child in front of you, it is imperative that all hands are covering your privates, because you are more than likely to be kicked in them.

 

Once reaching the start of the rapids, you climb over a smooth concrete lip from the nice warm pool into the rapids.  At first its a little cold and you’ll be slightly bashed about by the force of the waterfall coming out of the rocks.  Don’t worry…. you will be laughing, then with no control whatsoever your journey begins.  rapidsThe first rapid slide will be in full view of a decking watch point for passersby, I cannot stress this enough….make sure all your naughty but nice bits are not on show.   Men, you must make sure the string on your shorts, are tight.  Ladies….keep the bikinis for the beach in some exotic country, always were a swim suit if you can…..!  I kid you not; it’s as if the rapids have hands.

Don’t feel that you have to do the British thing and apologise to every person you bump in to along the way; always remember you are on very fast rapids, no-one is in control, its so much fun though.  Once you have had enough fun and you want to relax, there’s also a hot pool, again surrounded by

hot-pool

rocks, plants and trees with the floor covered in crazy paving…….very nice!  At night, if you sit opposite the plastic curtain that separates the inside from the outside.  You’ll be staring through the steam coming off the hot water at the silhouettes of people as they enter or don’t enter the hot pool, it’s like ‘Stars in their eyes’…..”Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be….”

The main pool has a wave machine that comes on once or twice an hour.  To announce it coming on, you’ll hear a Tarzan sound, but it’s always a disappointment for me, as I keep looking around for Jane…..but she’s never there.

hot-air-dryerWhen your body is telling you it’s time to get out of the pool and have a shower (shampoo supplied) and dry off, we like to use what we call the human hair dryer, (£1) it’s worth it.

Then it’s time to go the Villa; cars are only allowed on the day of arrival and the day you leave which is really nice.  The villas are all nestled within the forestry with narrow winding block pavier leading you to the front door.  Single storey with flat roofs and made out of a mix of render, timber and glass, our villa was 3 bedrooms with 2 wc’s, lounge area with large corner sofa, T.V and dvd player with paper log burner in the corner with large glass sliding doors facing the forest without hardly seeing another villa.   Small but perfect kitchen with dishwasher, microwave and good size dining table, all open planned.  It has a bath with shower (they also supply bath towels).  Outside you have a place to park your push bikes, a patio area with table and chairs and a BBQ.  In the evening you can sit down with a glass of wine and relax, and read a good book……. Farrago: TenTall Tales maybe…..?

I’ve never measured the forestry, but all you need to know is that it’s big, there’s even a Pancake House and a nice restaurant in the middle of everything.  In between our villa were the ‘Cascades’ that you walked amongst the red woods and small water falls (all lit up at night), which took you to a large lake with boats and pedaloes to hire and above you have tree top climbing and a zip wire that takes you over the lake.  An Aqua Sana (a place to seriously pamper oneself) with lots of different rooms and many treatments to be had.  Then theres the ‘Jardin des Sports’.  Here there’s a sports bar, clothes shop (sports/outdoors wear), a Newsagents, a sports bar with restaurant, an Indian restaurant, climbing wall for the kids, table tennis, badminton, squash, keep fit classes, snooker, pool, roller skating, tennis, crazy golf (indoor and out) and more.

land-train

If you don’t want to walk or cycle anywhere then there’s always the land train that runs every 20 minutes from each stop that’s nearest to your villa, wrap up warm though…it can be cold.

For us going to Centre Parcs in the winter, we love it no matter what the weather, it really doesn’t make any difference, so many places to go and things to do, and the villa is very spacious to relax and cook with friends and family.

caravan

Centre Parcs is nothing like the holidays I remember as a child, in the pouring down rain being stuck in a caravan with nothing to do.  I would look out the caravan window watching the puddle form at the bottom of the caravan steps wondering how big and deep it’s going to get, whilst thinking I’d rather be back in school struggling with a calculation of algebra that I simply can’t do, with a pen that intermittently works as the teacher who I don’t like is shouting at me over the noise of my stomach rumbling, because somebody nicked my dinner money and ate my secret stash of sandwiches, and all before P.E, knowing full well I’ve forgotten my kit….again.  But as well as staring at the puddle growing minute by minute at the bottom of the caravan step, I was soon feeling thankful we were not camping!  I always felt sorry for the person passing the caravan window in their rain coat and wellies, walking to the communal sink whilst carrying a bowl full of dirty dishes to wash.

Anyway…….what to take and wear to Centre Parcs in the winter?  Well…. not a lot.  A super lovely warm hat with gloves, walking boots and trainers and leave your jeans at home and take 2 pairs of cargo trousers.  Even if you’re eating out in one of the restaurants……it’s in the forestry.  Dare I say it……you don’t really need to take shampoo as it’s supplied.  We like to walk everywhere so we have head torches as it’s only dimly lit at night.  It’s the only time I’m not scared walking the forestry at night and feel safe (call me a girls blouse if you like).

So that’s Centre Parcs through the eyes of Dave Frantony and I’ll be back every year, but the most important thing is that my 8yr old son laughed nonstop every day and didn’t want to go home…..and that’s all that matters!  So book and go, I dare you, a 3 bedroom villa in winter can be as little as £329 (total cost for 6 people for 4 nights!)

As usual on the Easy Blend, I’m listening to great music; today it’s A Silent Film – Danny, Dakota and the wishing well

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

Until the next Easy Blend blog……….. 

Stay warm and fuzzy……..

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Yankee Candle + Man = Diva

For a long time now (and it has been a long time), we as a human race have been grateful for the light bulb.  We couldn’t live without it…… thank you to the inventors, especially Thomas Edison who successfully led the way; SCrooge.pnghis company today called “General Electric.”

Now, the businesses back in the day making candles…. well, they clearly knew their time was up…..for now!  Who was going to need a candle anymore?  Not when you can flick on a switch and have a bulb that can light up a whole room.  Although I am grateful for the candle, because every Christmas when I watch Scrooge, it wouldn’t be the same if he walked around his big house with a lead lamp…

 

But of course, today lots of us like a ‘scented’ candle, whether it’s to make the house smell nice or to create a romantic mood for you and your partner.  feeling-hornyHmmmm…. it occurs to me that it must mean that before the light bulb was invented and every house had a candle lit….. well…… then everyone must have been feeling horny every night …. just a thought…

Or the other thing that most people seem to like (and I have to agree it does sound nice), is to have a nice long soak in the bath with lots of bubbles and a scented candle lit at both ends, one next to your toes, and the other next to your head.  The bottle and of course the glass of wine in your hand….YES….or a bottle of Prosecco, which seems to be baththe desired fuel for females these days.  And let’s not forget on the odd occasion the annoying small drip of water from the tap…….and its always from the cold….no matter whose bath you’re in.

Back in my day as a child in the 80’s, listening to all the women of the day talk about how they’re going to have a glass of Lambrusco when they get home, every woman was Lambrusco mad.  Then on a Friday or Saturday night there was always a group of girls from school that managed to find an adult to buy them a bottle of Lambrusco in the local shop.  Each girl had to fight to be the one to carry it.  I’m sure

lambrusco-king-arthur

that the girl who was first to take the bottle from the adult felt as if they were King Arthur; in fact if you were drinking Lambrusco back in the 80’s you thought you were as cool as the Prosecco women of today are…….Sorry Ladies…..

 

I do believe (in my humble opinion) that all men have a female gene that is busting to come out; mine reveals itself quite regularly, but for some men…..well….they ignore it or keep it suppressed inside.

man-female-gene

I think these are the ones that go a little crazy on the weekends.  Whereas the man that accepts his female gene, is pretty much constant 7 days a week (again….that’s just my humble opinion)…. What do you think?

 

So I found myself standing in a scented candle shop, which was very busy……who would have thought it?  Scented candle businesses that’s who!  As I walked around the shop, I could see some men trying to fight the urge not to pick up and smell the candles.  But one couple stood out from the rest.  I had to stop and look busy but was secretly listening and watching the couple looking at the scented candles, the man really did look like a man, tall and stocky with a beard.

man-beard

Now the man was finding it impossible to take his face out of the scented candles, the conversation went a little bit like this:-

MAN -“Oh love, smell this one…..that’s stunning that is!”

Woman –“Oh, that is lush, Babe!

She also had 2 scented candles in her hand.  “Smell these Babes…….lush ain’t they?”

Man – “Oh…. it is init….imagine how much nicer it’ll be lit!”

Woman – “Yeh, stunning Babe, let’s get 2 of them!”

The man was now grinning like a little boy, who’s just woke up on Christmas morning, and realised that Santa’s just dropped off everyshouty-face present that he’d wished for.

Man – “Oh….Yes…….I can’t wait to light it!”

He was now nodding his head, clenching on to the scented candles like he was carrying a live human heart in his hand that mustn’t be dropped; both of them were grinning.  I on the other hand looked like this…

But….I dare any MAN to fight the Diva in himself as he smells the aromas of any scented candle!  No matter how big and tuff you think you are, you will be transported to another dimension!  The Diva will take over your body!  Does the businessman cry in his candle shop anymore?  NO! They’re knocking up every bit of wax they can find, dropping in the finest aromas that are knee-wobblingly lovely in to the darkest depths of the mix, whilst carefully lowering the wick in to the dead centre of the candle…. Clever!

Fruity, Nutty, Rosemary, Eucalyptus, Lily and

Ginger, Saffron and Amber, Sage and Sea Salt?  What will be next?

fighting-in-ring

Chicken and Chips?  Curry with 2 Onion Bhajies?  Egg sandwiches? A mechanics oily overalls?  The list could go on, and who knows?  The light bulb manufacturers might even come out with a scented light bulb.  You heard it here first folks “I DECLARE THE COPYWRITE OF SCENTED LIGHT BULBS.”  But listen, MEN!

Whatever new scented candle they think of next…… DON’T fight the Diva in you that is waiting to come out.

So now I’m thinking dare I invest my money in to the very vehicles that our ancestors travelled on and in before the automobile?  Do I start at the very beginning and sell horse and carts and use the line of the late Henry .T. Ford “You can have any colour wooden cart you want….as long as it’s brown.  I could even do the horse to match.  In fact if you buy the horse with the cart today, you can have the first 2 horse shoes free and a free deep clean cart sweep out…..I tell you what…..I’ll even throw in a free brush for the horse, but you must sign today…….you can’t come back tomorrow because the offer won’t be on the table!”

horse-cart-stable

 

As usual on the Easy Blend, I’m listening to great music; today it’s Labi Siffre – Something inside so strong.

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

 

Well Nurse……. It’s like this……

There is a serious dilemma to this story that every eighteen year old man could easily be in.  A predicament that I was once in.  It might not necessarily be with a nurse but with a girlfriend!  OH NO…… I  just had a shiver from the very thought……

Garage gloves.pngFrom my very first blog you will know that when leaving school I was an apprentice Panel
Beater working in a garage.

On a day just like any other day,  I had to reevaluate certain things in my life if I was to ever become a real man.  Yes, on paper, being eighteen years old I was given the title as a man…. but I didn’t look or act like one.  It was mid morning and the job I had was to cut a damaged panel off a car, when suddenly my hand slipped and slid down 2 pieces of sharp ragged metal.  I could feel it crying-cut-fingerslice through my little finger and within a super quick second the blood started to spurt out.

I held my hand up in the air, trying to slow down the blood flow as everyone gathered to have a look.  My bones were showing in both cuts, so it meant a lift to the hospital in the works  van….and by the way, the van driver at the time always drove like he was sneaking around; if I didn’t know any better, you’d think the van didn’t have an engine under the bonnet but a single fly on its own with one wing with a piece of string tied Fly towing.pngaround his legs from the front bumper.

Eventually we arrived at the Hospital and the second I stepped out of the van he slowly drove off, you certainly don’t want him to drive a getaway car if you were to rob a bank.  After waiting……and waiting…….. I was eventually seen by the doctor, who said  “HMMMMM……  Dave, you’re going to need stitches.”  He gave me an injection first to numb the finger, and then out came the sewing tin.  Eight stitches in total, four in each cut; he cleaned my finger and bandaged me up.  He told me to have two weeks off work and try not using my left hand, and to keep it clean.  But then it all started to go wrong; the Doctor turned to me saying  “When did you last have a Tetanus jab?”  I shook my head….I didn’t have a clue!  “Okay….the Nurse will be in shortly to give it to you.”car-aerial

Five minutes later the Nurse came in with
a needle the size of a car aerial that she had just snapped off  in the Hospital car park!

She closed the door behind her, she was young and beautiful; I wad eighteen and ‘on paper’ I’m supposed to be a man!  “Right Dave, drop your trousers; the injections going in your backside.”  I dropped my trousers, but the second the waistline hit my ankles I started to shake my head in embarrassment…….  it was the pants that I was wearing; this must be a lesson to all eighteen year-olds in the world today.

Massive needle.png

So, the problem was my pants, and this is where it gets tricky; I was still wearing pants from when I was fourteen years old that mother Frantony had bought me.  They still fitted and were in good condition, but the type of pants you wear at fourteen compared to when you’re eighteen are not the same…… no matter what condition they are in!  Well,Flag pants single.png the pants I was wearing on this fateful day at eighteen, in front of this beautiful young
nurse, who for some reason I thought I might have some sort of chance with, to take out on a date, had flags on them…. different coloured flags!

Yes, my bum looked good, all in the right shape flash-carand just the right size, but at the end of the day, it was in the wrong pants.  It’s like a Ferrari, well built, lovely shape….but
you wouldn’t want it in pink with orange spots.

I know that all of this could have been far worse; the Nurse and I may have met under different circumstances and our relationship might have gotten to a point we were about to make love for the first time, but she was to see my childish flag patterned pants that mother Frantony had bought me four years before.

love-in-a-box

Then the relationship would have ended with deep feelings getting in the way of deciding who bought what CD’s for each other, and that her favourite hair band was in the glove box of my car that she has to have back, and I have to go back to her house, handing it to her with her guessing if I had flag patterned pants on and me wanting to tell her that I’ve burned them all.  But that didn’t happen; she stood behind me (not knowing if she was laughing at my pants) and gave me the injection with what looked and felt like a car aerial, and then just like that, she walked out of my life leaving me to pull up my own trousers and hide my silly pants.

I walked with one leg and dragged the other out of the Hospital, not even thinking about Flag Pants.pngmy 8 stitches or my dead leg, but knowing that when you become a man……you have to renew your pants to reflect what it says on paper when you turn eighteen years old….. you’re a man….. wear pants like one.

 

As usual on the Easy Blend, I’m listening to great music; today it’s Kate Bush, Cloudbusting

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

Until the next Easy Blend blog……….. 

Stay warm and fuzzy……..

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The Maintenance man……with a motorcycle?

Tools for the job….we all need them right?  No matter what profession we’re in!

So it was late afternoon when I heard a knock at the door…….it’s one of my neighbours.  As the door opens, I see he has a look on his face that tells me he doesn’t want to be knocking on my door……

“Neighbour…… how are you?”

“Dave, any chance I can borrow your long double ladders?”

There was a pause.  Unbeknown Neighbour gods.pngto me and my neighbour, he suddenly had (unseen to the naked eye) a ZAPP of guilt from the guilt Gods above, who were clearly looking down on him because before I could even answer him, the story changed.

“Well in fact, Dave, it’s not for me…….would it be okay if my mother in-law borrowed your long double ladders please?”

Now I’ll be honest with you, my first thoughts were “they’re my ladders we’re talking about…..not the village bike, they’re not there for anyone to use.”  But of course, I am a nice guy!

The neighbour started to explain the reason why the long double ladders were needed “What it is…… is that my mother in-law is having some painting done on her bungalow and the maintenance man (let me just write that again!)  ‘THE MAINTENANCE MAN’ doesn’t have a set of ladders.  In fact he also doesn’t have a van…..he only has a Motorcycle.”

ladders-on-helmetOf course at this point my mind was bursting with so many images with what I was hearing, so  my first question was “Does the maintenance man, at least have a roof rack on his helmet?”

I didn’t have an answer.

I looked in to my neighbours eyes, “So here we have a maintenance man that does small jobs and maintenance on peoples houses, with no van and no ladders……. and……. and he only rides a motorcycle?”

My brain could not compute this information.

My neighbour nodded ‘No!’ He then began to tell me more “It’s just he can’t reach the eves of the bungalow so that’s why he needs the ladders.”

You see, my lovely blog reader……back in my day, maintenance men always drove a van, with a roof rack and always had an operating-tablearray of ladders and tools.  But of course, I was thankful that he’s a maintenance man and not a Brain Surgeon,
about to operate on someone using a pen knife from his key ring next to his car keys whilst texting his friend about the drunken evening out from the night before.  As the patient lies on the operating table covered in a picnic blanket from the boot of his car which was last used in a dirty field after having a very messy picnic.

Yes I know what you’re thinking…… why does he need double ladders for a bungalow?  Just how high is this bungalow?  How could a maintenance man with no van and no ladders (who said yes to the job jigh-ladderbefore anyone knew my ladders would be in the mix of all this craziness) need long double ladders for a bungalow?  Would he reach the top of the ladders only to have an extension on the handle of the brush because he can’t reach the eves of the bungalow?


And as well as all of this and I’m not sure if any of you have experienced this (I know I have), but there’s nothing more judge-worldembarrassing than carrying big long ladders through the streets where you live….. And, if you don’t believe me try it!  I guarantee you will feel the world is watching and judging you, as you think that they’re thinking you’re up to no good!

I know what you’re thinking; of course our local window cleaner doesn’t have this problem because it’s part of his job.  We as upstanding members of the community accept and will not look twice at a window cleaner carrying his ladders.  But when you know it’s not part of your job to use ladders……well……you know and I know that there’s only 2 opportunities you can walk with ladders on your local streets, and that’s very early in the neighbour-laddersmorning or late at night when there’s less people about.  Just like my neighbour had to experience….all for the love of his mother in-law.  So you see…….that roof rack on a motorcycle helmet doesn’t sound that stupid after all……does it?

 

 

 

As ever on the Easy Blend I’m listening to some great music, today it’s Kate Bush – Cloudbusting

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

Until the next Easy Blend blog……….. 

Stay warm and fuzzy……..

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Cable TV Engineers

Now before I start….I have found a good Cable T.V Engineer, and he’s a nice and helpful guy….but before that….?  Hmmmmm….

Okay…. so what have I seen of their work in the many times they have been called to the house, you ask?  And not just my house, it’s EVERY house….

If you want to know where I’m going with thisCable around room.png…. remember the film ‘Entrapment’ with Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones?  Well, there’s a scene in the film that happens to resemble just some of what I’ve seen……


I have no idea who trains Cable T.V Engineers, or where they go; not even a clue how long it takes to learn how to do the job.   Or if Haynes.pngthey have a life size pretend house to practice on, in some hidden factory unit in a secret location.  Or even if the scene from ‘Entrapment’ is in their Haynes manual on how to fit Satellite dish cables in and on the outside of the house. 

Are the rules in Cable T.V Engineers school of training  ”What goes on in Cable T.V Engineers school, stays in Cable T.V Engineers school”?

I have a secret picture Cable school.pngthat was taken in an undisclosed location of what goes on at the 1st day of training.
Proof of the rules that they live by.

What must the conversations be like in the class?  Does it go like this……?

“Sir……. Cable clips!…… How many do we use?”

“Doesn’t matter…. they’re in the van just to fill up the shelves.  But if you do need to use them, just use one at the start and one at the end…. No matter what the distance!”

“And the ladders?”

Cable Van.png

“Try not to use them; they are to weigh the van down and keep it steady in windy weather!

“Sir….. What colour cable?”

“Doesn’t matter, they bleeding-thumball do the same job!  If you can, use a cable that sticks out like a sore thumb, at least people know
we were there!”

 

 

So the finished work……… I’ve seen cables through window frames

CAble in tunner.pngI’ve seen holes drilled the size of the channel tunnel….only to take a small cable  Cable over roof.png

I’ve seen cables over the roof
 

Even cables nailed to a work top in a kitchen….. I kid you not my friends   Cable in kitchen.png

And the easy lazy way to carry a cable is in Cable in gutter.pngyour guttering, where it will sit in water most of the time and rot away

And YES….I have even seen cables following the window line up and down     Cable following windows.png

At least they used a good number of cable clips on that job.

In one house, the Cable T.V engineer put the cable diagonally under the carpet, the old woman looked like she was jumping over a hurdle every time she turned the T.V on.Runner.png  I was half tempted to dress her in lycra and put a number on her back

 

In another house the cables were running over the skirting board, up the wall and plugged into the back of the T.V with not a milimetre to spare.  I was waiting for the inside of the T.V to be pulled out.  Living in a plug.pngThere were wires everywhere, all in the wrong places, for a moment it was like living inside a plug.

 

So what can be done?  This, I don’t know.  Apart from being on your guard, and following the next Cable T.V Engineer and watching every move they make.  Cable everywhere.pngWho knows…..the next T.V cable laid from your dish to the T.V could be running through your underwear in the drawer; into the microwave as you cook your favourite pie; up over the toaster and down the leg of your favourite jeans.


To all Cable T.V Engineers…………..Let’s be having a nice neat job next time!!

As ever on the Easy Blend I’m listening to some great music, today it’s Christine and the Queens – Tilted.

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

Until the next Easy Blend blog……….. 

Stay warm and fuzzy……..

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The Horse Whisperer……..reveals all

So is this going to be inside knowledge?  It may be……. (I said maybe……….not BABY!)

Anyway…….this knowledge came to me in a mystical way, without my control…..I look at it as a gift…  A gift that I must share…. if not, I fear the Horse Gods will literally horse whip me…… and with my soft skin…. Well it’s not good.

Horsewhipped.png

 

What do Horses feel?  What do Horses think?  What would they say if they could speak?

Well……..I, the Horse Whisperer,can now reveal the truth!

Horse whisperer.png

 

It was a day just like any other day, I was walking in the local countryside on the Taff Trail that runs from the Brecon Beacons down to the City of Cardiff.  It also goes from Cardiff to the Brecon Beacons, it just depends which way you’re starting from……  Suddenly, I looked in front of me, the Tarmac on the trail looked damaged……. all ripped up as if a Meteor had crash landed and tore along the Taff Trail.

Meteor.png

 

I felt a strange power surge through my beautiful body (which didn’t take long….I’m not the tallest of people).  There was nothing I could do, everything was still, the sound of the River Taff by the side of me was quiet and the grass stopped swaying in the gentle breeze.  I could see a horse in a nearby field starting to talk to me.  It was as if there was a connection between us, a reason why this horse had picked me.  I knew he wanted to speak for all the other horses, he wanted to speak for the horses from the past…..the horses of today and the horses of the future.

Horse therapy

Horse message

I kept my composure, asking the horse to tell me more…

The horse now relaxed, looks upwards

“Well it’s like this Dave…… What do you see on my hoofs?”

“I see horse shoes…”

“Exactly, I’m made for fields and beaten tracks, just ask my ancestors, we were once peoples main form of transport back in the day,

Horse on wheels

before cars and bikes, before Tarmac was invented.  But some of our owners today, want to go on the same idyllic route as you Dave.   But on our backs, and Dave…….I don’t like tarmac, I’m not built for Tarmac if I did…..I’d have a set of wheels on the end of my legs.  It does my knees right in……and let’s face it….I’ve got 4 of them…..one on every corner.”

 

“The Taff Trail wasn’t built for me either,Pooping it’s for families to walk and cycle on, I’m a very big animal, and please forgive me for being so coarse with my words.  It wasn’t a meteor that ripped up the tarmac……..you see it’s me.  As a Horse I have the amazing ability to S**T and walk at the same time……I know, it takes some doing! ……..our owners know this…….. whilst sitting on our backs just 3 feet away from our arses….and they still take us on the Taff Trail knowing full well that it’s a sure bet we will do it.”

“Our owners don’t seem to care about families with their children, even the cyclists, who I know still can’t work out one of the greatest

Bicycle wheelmysteries of the world…..and that’s how you can cycle in a straight line and only get S**T on one wheel and not the other when there’s such a short distance between them both?”

And then…..in a flash my Horse whispering skills left my body and I was back on the trail as the Horse, chewing on grass, trotted away………… S***TING.

 

As ever on the Easy Blend I’m listening to some great music, today it’s Greg Laswell –  I dodged a bullet.

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

Until the next Easy Blend blog……….. 

Stay warm and fuzzy……..

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