Pick a funeral… any funeral

Well, we’ve all been to a few….not a barrel of laughs you’ll agree!

Barrel

Having said that, I can recall two that were very good….. very hard, not funny but very good, but like anything in life, you have to look at the funny side of some situations that you may find yourself in, and in this blog…. well, that’s what I’m going to do.

One of my early funerals in life, first began in a house.  I stood in the kitchen full of people, waiting for the hearse to arrive, you see, people don’t just hang around kitchens for parties, it’s for any gathering.  It’s not seen so much these days, but you used to have a house service first before going to the crematorium.  Everyone dressed in black… suits of course and ladies in black dresses.  Me?  I was in black, but not a suit.  I was too young to own a suit, (this is the point where I sound old) “Not like the generation of today, where you can buy suits for any age off the shelf….and at a cheap price.”

Right, back to the story, I was too young to own a suit, but it just so happened, that my school uniform was black, so that’s what I stood in that day.  YES, I know what you’re thinking “Dave…. but didn’t you have a school badge stitched on the jumper?”  Why yes, yes I did, but in my mind I thought if I move around a lot, it’ll look like a handkerchief sticking out of my suit jacket top pocket that I didn’t have.  By the way, my first suit was in the late 80’s, it was what they called a ‘grey flecked’ suit, with white socks and gray slip on shoes.  I know…… let’s not talk about that anymore, that’s another story for another blog!

So, back in the kitchen, as I stood in amongst the people all talking very quietly with serious faces, there was a knock on the door.  It was the undertaker.  Now for legal reasons, let us call the deceased “Whisky.”  The owner of the house opened the front door then turned back to us, their eyes filling up.  The kitchen fell silent, one pair of eyes looking down the long hallway with about forty pairs of eyes staring back.  In a broken voice, they called out to us all “Whisky’s here!”

At this point, without any

control, I thought “What a strange thing to say??” as this was my first image that came in to my head the moment it was said…..

Coffin at door

The coffin was then carried by the undertakers in to the front room of the house, which by the way…. and I tell no lies here…… was a job in itself!  The coffin was not far off vertical with the sound of the odd thump and bang coming from inside…. if the deceased wasn’t a contortionist in this life, they certainly were in the next!  The undertakers were panting and groaning, straining from weight of the coffin with gallons of sweat running down their faces and they still managed to keep their hats on.  Albeit I’m sure their arms had stretched twice as long by the time they had finished, Health and Safety would have had a field day with that type of situation now.

stretched arms

Once the coffin was back in its horizontal position and placed on the trolley in the front room of the house, the undertakers panted and dragged their feet and long arms and lent up against the wall.  We, well… ‘I’ followed the adults in to the front room to gather around the coffin for a small service, it was a tight squeeze as some didn’t bother moving and stayed in the kitchen, drinking tea and talking…… do you remember those simple things in life before mobile phones?….you know talking?

Everyone bowed their head to pray, only to be disrupted by one of the family members losing the plot, (sorry lost control) they crashed through the small gathering of people and like a man

Lone Ranger

jumping off a bridge on to a fast moving train just like in the movies they jumped on top of the coffin.  Swaying everywhere on top of it just like the Lone Ranger would jump on his horse and steer the horses reins, at that moment I didn’t feel so silly anymore in my school uniform, even one of the undertakers done a double take.

Then there are other funerals, where you have the opportunity to ride in the limousine car behind the hearse.  Now this car has special powers….. stay with me on this.  So you’ve just pulled up at the place of rest (and in my experience on the few occasions, we were there a little early) so at this point you stay in the car and have nothing else to do but watch the people arrive.  Don’t forget there are some people you only see in weddings and funerals….. and there’s usually a good reason for this.  So this is your opportunity to have a good look at who’s turned up.  Now if you’re one of the ‘chosen ones’ to carry the coffin, all you’ll notice is a sea of black and don’t get to see any faces, so sitting in the car is your first opportunity to see who’s turned up and who hasn’t.  You see, over the years of going to funerals, sitting in the car following the hearse, I have been able to assess that there are four types of characters that people turn in too when going to a funeral….. I wonder which character type you might be?

Character Type 1 – Most people know you’re waiting in the car, so they will not look out of respect and go inside.

Character Type 2 – Stay outside oblivious why they are there in the first place as they can’t stop talking and laughing (loud) due to seeing a friend or family member that they haven’t seen in years, and try and fit as much information in as they can…. a little bit like speed-dating.

Character Type 3 – The person who wants to look at you in the car but doesn’t, but at the same time struggles controlling their eyes and half gives in.  At that moment it looks like they have wonky eyes, one eye looks at you in the car and other eye looks at where they are going.  Always easy to spot these types of people in a Chinese takeaway…. when asked do they want chips or rice with their chicken curry they’ll always answer half and half!

waving in carCharacter Type 4 – the crazy one, who  thinks it’s one big surprise that you’ve turned up at the same funeral, they act like it’s a Saturday night out on the town and you’ve just pulled up in a taxi at the club.  They come so close to the car window they’ve practically licked it clean whilst waving their hand at you so fast the wave looks blurry, whispering “Hiya”

Then there’s the experience of lowering the coffin in to the ground, nothing worse than if it is on a slope and it has been raining.  The grave diggers pile the earth up around the edge of the grave, sometimes covering it with planks.  You see the rough terrain, then with full concentration holding on as tight as you can on the straps, looped through the handles of the coffin, whilst trying not to slip or fall, you lower the coffin.  Well, clearly I didn’t concentrate enough, as it looked

graveside

like I was just about to show off with a full hour of non-stop break dance moves around the grave side that I didn’t know I had.  My foot slipped, over the edge and into the grave I headed, one side of the coffin dropped towards me nearly taking out my teeth.  It was close; I was nearly in the grave before the coffin.  The vicar was all shapes like he’d been made out of rubber following my every move, the grave digger threw his shovel like a harpoon to the floor and run towards me; it was all in slow motion.   The other pallbearers had to take the strain as I had to re-set my footing, I slowly looked around, so slow I even had time to pick out all of the Character Type 3 people with the wonky eyes and I’m sure there was a Character Type 4 in the 2nd row still waving whispering “Hiya!”  It could have been disastrous.

May I take my hat off to all grave diggers, a very tricky job and not very nice, although I think some may be on a ‘job and finish’ contract!  On the odd occasion they stand as if they’re on the front line but holding shovels at the ready, even the digger driver has started the machine up and filled the grave in before you’ve walked to the limousine car behind the now empty hearse.

Then there’s the funeral of the distant friend or colleague you once knew.  I’m not sure if I’m the only person who’s done this, not just once may I say, but a few times.  Now this can be an awkward moment, especially when the information given regarding where and when don’t seem to add up but you go anyway.

Now before we go any further, picture this, it’s been years since you’ve seen any of these people so you might not recognise many of them…. if any at all.  One time I turned up at the graveyard, two funerals to early…. I stayed for one (nobody asked who I was), although I did think of a line if they did, it would have been “I’m an old work colleague.”  No good of course if the deceased was 99 and I was only 22!  What could I do?  I was standing with everyone, everyone I didn’t know…. I didn’t want to be seen walking away, I couldn’t stay any longer and wait for the right funeral as I had to go back to work, and anyway, I then remembered it was a Catholic funeral that I was turning up for and they can go on for a very long time.  The family had the service first in the Catholic church, half a mile away, before going to the graveyard where I had been looking like ‘Mr Keen’ and ‘Mr Early Bird’.  I didn’t realise I had to go to the church first.  I had the right day, right time, wrong place.    No wonder I hadn’t seen any familiar faces!

The other time I went to the wrong funeral, I was told to be at the crematorium by 2:30pm on a certain Thursday.  I turned up amongst people I didn’t recognise……again.  This time I waited outside in disbelief, thinking to myself “I’ve done it again!!”  After listening to the people in the crowd compliment how tanned one woman was, then asking where they’ve been and how well they’re looking.  She wasn’t lying…. she was so tanned she looked orange.  Two people beside me decided after the coffin had been carried inside for the service, they were going to leave and drive back to the deceased’s house before everyone else arrived back so they could get a good car park space on the drive, because…….. they had a new car!  It didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to work out that they had a head start on that one because everyone else was inside attending the funeral.

I’ve even witnessed someone taking a selfie with the hearse in the background…….. I know!!  I have now though, mastered a manoeuvre that enables me to sneak off if I’m ever at the wrong funeral again.  You must pretend to answer the phone and go out of sight, as if to be respectful, but once you can’t be seen and once at a safe distance, you run away and go home….. quickly……. thank you mobile phones for that!

Nan flowers

I also understand why the people’s names are written in flowers by the sides of the coffins inside the hearse.   It’s for people like me, to stand at the gates away from the family and friends and check the name corresponds with the person whose funeral it is that you’re going to, or supposed to be at!  That way you know that you’re at the right funeral.  For legal reasons again let’s say the name of the persons funeral that I was going to attend was “BOB”.  Now if I see “NAN” then it’s a good indication that I’m at the wrong funeral, and then at that point I pretend I’ve had a phone call and sneak off immediately.

By the way, I did eventually go to the right funeral in the end…..it was a week later not a Thursday but on a Friday, not at 2:30pm but at 10am……and wait for it….. Not a cremation….it was a burial.  Here’s an idea though and it’s just an idea, crematoriums and grave sides should be either like bus stops with red light signs where the words flash across the screen or put up posters around the outside on the walls like on theatres.  Advertising who’s getting buried or cremated that day or week and who’s coming soon…… just a thought……

 

As always on the Easy Blend, I’m letting you know what I’m listening to….. today it’s  Colin Hay, Waiting for my real life to begin.

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

Until the next Easy Blend blog……….. 

Stay warm and fuzzy……..

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Time marches on…..

TIME MARCHES ON Colour with watermark

I ran and ran……

I am running as fast as I can

but the time has passed me by

Now its me chasing the time

and my mind is ahead of me

My thoughts are done

and I have run the run….. the race is done

So that is it then….. the finish has come

and I have run the run

I look up now….. past the sky, the sun, the stars

All that my maker hath done

He is calling me saying

“What have you done with your life?”

“I was busy running the run….”

He calls again…. saying

“Ah….. that is where you are at fault…

Did you not hear me when I said Halt?

Stop, look, listen…… shhhh

Look around you….. look at who you are…

What you are…. how you are…..

How could it be?

Then and only then you would have seen me

But you ran and ran under the sun

Until you could run no more

Why is it only now you come knocking on my door?

When your life has gone……. and you are no more”


 

TIME MARCHES ON Colour with watermark

Listen to your heart.  Do what excites you, live with honesty, trust in your integrity and take courage in all that you do…… For time will march on.

 

As always on the Easy Blend, I’m letting you know what I’m listening to….. today it’s  Hosier, Better Love

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

Until the next Easy Blend blog……….. 

Stay warm and fuzzy……..

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Dare I camp again…..??

My first camping disaster on a campsite. I actually have three, but for this blog I shall only tell you one though I do believe that, the Gods of this world were telling me “Dave…… Camping, my friend, is not for you!”

It was a beautiful hot summer’s day, 2 weeks off from work, still living with my parents (the year 1991) so had not a care in the world. My 3 friends and I decided to take a trip to Cornwall. We packed some clothes in any old bag and squeezed a rather large tent that none of us had ever seen before, into the back of my friends Fiesta XR2i. Tracy Chapman’s ‘Fast Cars’ tape was turned up full volume, the windows were down and the wind was fiercely blowing in my ‘then’ hair……..life was good…… and easy!

Severn Bridge

Travelling along the M4 Motorway, to our left in the distance was Chepstow, as we approached the old Severn Bridge taking us over the Severn Estuary. The question that always comes to mind is always……”will the tide be in or out?” I’ve heard the currents are very dangerous…. not sure about the sultanas though. Of course if the tide is out then there’s miles of mud, even now I think “Don’t want to be stuck in that when the tide comes in!” But why would I? I’ve never been down to the mud bank, Punch in the mouthso unless I fell out of the car window it wouldn’t happen. Anyway, we had just paid £1.00 to drive over the old Severn Bridge. Yep, remember the good old days when it was £1.00 each way, not like it is today, £6.80 for a car!! This price always leaves you feeling like you’ve just been stripped naked and beaten!

After leaving the M4 Motorway, we were all feeling good as we drove around the large sweeping bend on to the M5 Motorway. It was always a good feeling as a child, because the M5 was confirmation….. you knew we were really on the way to Cornwall. As I said, the sun was out so it was very hot, but we had already made our first mistake…. well, in fact we had made a few but the first one (that we found, which clearly none of us owned up to), was when we had stopped off at the services for a toilet break. My friends Mum had gone in to the sweet drawer in the kitchen before we left for the holidays and gave us a brand spanking new bag of fun size Mars bars that we placed on the parcel shelf up against the rear window (a rookie mistake, I know). Before we set off on our journey again I reached in grabbing the bag…….. the bag of squidgy, liquid, melted fun size Mars Bars (not so “fun” anymore!) I will take credit for the idea that followed, and that was to tie the bag of fun size Mars Bars on to the rear wiper of the tailgate outside of the car, in the hope that by the time we made it to Cornwall, they would have gone hard from the cold air of travelling at 70mph….. alright 80mph…….. alright maybe 85ish mph. Did they go hard you ask yourselves? I’ll tell you at the end of this blog.   With no traffic to be seen, we were feeling cool taking in the miles and miles ofBlack bales fields either side of the M5 being flummoxed and asking each other “Why it is that no matter what long journey you take, there is always a single dead tree in the middle of a field?” Anyway, as we came to the end of the M5 we made our way on to the A and B roads. The scenery was stunning, field after field with rolling hills in between, laughing at the same joke as we gazed at the many sheep in the fields in amongst the large black plastic balls of wrapped up hay saying “WOW…..The rabbits in that field must be HUGE!!” (I’ll give you some time to think about that one).

At this point Tracy Chapman was still playing (and by the way, I still can’t get enough of the Fast Cars album), when suddenly my friend stretched out his hand to the knob on the cassette player, turning the music down. He looked at us with a smile on his face, “Boys…… the tent doesn’t have a ground sheet, but don’t worry, my Dad gave me a plastic sheet that we can put down over the grass”. I was about to turn the music back up when he spoke again “But it’s the plastic sheet that he uses when mixing up cement on the drive.” We all looked at one another and thanked him for telling us…… when we were past the point of no return!

Eventually we came to the first camp site, so in we drove and made our way to reception. The lady took one look at us “NO!” Yes, we were eighteen years old but we were a nice bunch! I hadn’t even blinked and we were back in the car to the next camp site and the next and the next and the next and… ….Ground sheet floor planwell we lost count of the camp sites that rejected us.   Eventually, the last camp site we came to, the time now 9.30pm, we were given permission to camp but only for 1 night at the cost of…… wait for it (because it still brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it) £30…… £30!! It was 1991 not the year 2191. However, he had us by the short and curlies and there was nothing we could do, but put up our tent for the first time ever. By 10.45pm the tent was up (in some shape) with a 12 inch gap all around the bottom of the tent and an even bigger gap around the edge as the sheet of plastic looked like the map of Italy covered in lumps on cement which wasn’t exactly ideal considering the tent was square.

The next mistake we all made was that the 4 of us forgot to bring pillows, so we improvised by rolling up our jeans, you’ll be surprised how comfortable Levi 501’s can be. As we laid in our sleeping bags, the owner of the camp site turned up to see us, he was wearing an Australian bush hat, waist coat and jeans (we figured he thought he was HarleyCrocodile Dundee) on a Harley Davidson! Of course, there was no need to unzip the tent door due to the large gap around the bottom of the tent, so we stuck our heads out through the gap. “Lads, keep it quiet tonight and be gone in the morning!” he then straddled his beautiful Harley Davidson and rode off………it would have made no difference if we had a rave that night and bought the loudest stereo in the world with the biggest speakers….it was never going to be as loud as his Motorcycle.

The next day we packed up to make our way home thinking we were never going to be accepted on any camp site being a group of 4 boys, when another friend mentioned a camp site in Devon, in the little seaside town of Woolacombe. We reached the town mid afternoon and by the power of the camping Gods they let us in straight away and for a week. As it was daylight, we took our time putting up the tent, but it made no difference, the tent and the poles didn’t match. Either the tent was too small or the poles were too long and the ground sheet….. well, we did spend time picking off as many of the lumps of cement but could do nothing about the size or shape. We did have a master plan….and that was to use our bags along the bottom of the tent to save us from the wind but in reality it made no difference. Outside TentThen one of my friends (I can’t give you a name as he now has a very important job now, but he did like to wear big buckles on his belt, and yes his ‘jeans pillow’ wasn’t as comfy as ours) one night decided to sleep half in the tent and half out because he felt sick, which in fact he was, this was the scene we all woke up to in the morning

So the easiest option was to cover the sick with grass (I know…..lovely, Dave) than move the tent, whilst using one of the many gaps at the bottom of the tent as our new doorway.

Now, not having a correctly fitting tent and ground sheet can cause problems…..they don’t stop bugs and insects from joining you, this I know from firsthand experience. As the 4 of us lay on our backs in our sleeping bags chatting and laughing before going to sleep, something landed in my mouth at the precise moment I laughed.

“Alright then boys……Who threw something?”

All together it was a resounding “Nope, not me!”

Luckily I was on torch duty that night, so I sat up and spat on to the grass and there it was……Was it a bit of rolled paper? Was it a bottle top? Was it a blueberry muffin? Was it an Earwig……………..? Sleeping bagsWhy YES! YES it was! So for the rest of the week before going to bed it was “Hit off the Earwigs from inside the tent duty” and once that task was done we would all place pieces of toilet roll in our ears because…. well……. isn’t it obvious they’re Earwigs ‘DUUUHH!’ The last thing we needed was for the Earwigs to take a stroll in to our ears and eat our brains…… just how stupid do you think we were?

Halfway through the holiday I even woke up with the 3 of them staring at me with a look of horror of their faces. I first thought I was covered in earwigs with my brain sticking out of my ears…..but NO! Up until this point in my life only my Mum and Dad knew my sleeping habits, and the one thing I feared happened. Sometimes….and by the way, I’ve not done it for years, but I used to make a droning noise. This woke them all up as they were amazed by how long I could drone for without taking a breath. The only way I can describe it is…… picture yourselves on a sunny warm sunny afternoon having a cup of tea when everything near you is quiet, but far away in the distance you can hear a droning sound of a motorcycle in the distance……well that’s what I sound like…… apparently….

Oh, and just to give you some serious information on the fun size Mars Bars that melted in the back of the car……once melted it doesn’t matter how long your journey is or how fast your travelling if it’s HOT…. they will forever stay melted.

As usual on the Easy Blend I’m listening to some great music, today it has to be Tracy Chapman, Fast Cars

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

Until the next Easy Blend blog……….. 

Stay warm and fuzzy……..

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On a rally….? Really?

1988 and a friend of mine asked if I wanted to go and see a ‘night rally’ through the different stages in Brecon and Llandovery.

Forest.png

Of course the answer was YES, who doesn’t want to see a Rally?  Lots of fast cars with experienced drivers doing a 120mph through forestry, and let’s face it, the trees in the forestry normally only see a man walking his dog with a stick in its mouth on the weekend.

The rally started at 11pm, so we left around 9pm with a flask of tea, a

IMG_0100

packet of plain crisps and four cheese and Branston sandwiches tightly wrapped (tight enough that the crown jewels would have been safe).  It was dark, cold and no street lights were to be seen, it was the middle of Wales after all.  I looked the part as my mum and dad hadn’t long bought me a RS Rallye Sport jacket, all the rage back then, and by the way I still have it and it still fits…..!  If anyone else has one, they’re considered ‘vintage’ now and are worth a few bob!

Anyway, the car we were in ….now don’t forget

Fiesta

its 1988, it was the car that most people desired….a MK3 Ford Escort XR3i, in white with a black spoiler.  Yep I know….some of you who are old enough are nodding (YES Dave you are right….a nice car, my friend!)

Now one thing my friend didn’t tell me was that it was an AMATEUR Rally not a world class Rally with all the famous drivers and really, really, really fast cars……

Two worlds

Nope, these were Ford Escort MK2’s, Opel Manta’s, Vauxhall Chevette’s and Mini Metro’s and Talbot Sunbeams.  But please don’t get me wrong, they were fast, but a price of a professional Rally car can be in the hundreds of thousands of pounds, these cars were worlds apart.

When we arrived, a marshal gave us a small map with a time table of when and where each stage started and finished.  We drove on ahead of each stage, ready to find a spot to park and a spot to stand with a good view to watch the excitement.  The only worry I was supposed to have had for the night was when do I eat my cheese and Branston sandwiches?

BAD album cover

And not to spill my tea in the car (grey seats…..would have stained easy!)  On the stereo continuously playing from side ‘A’ to ‘B’ was the Michael Jackson album “BAD” (on tape of course), it had only been out a few months and still today when I hear any song from that album it reminds me of this Rally.

So, all was going well until my friend bumped into someone he sort of knew, whose friend was one of the drivers in the Rally, and this is what he said “Why don’t you follow me, I know these lanes like the back of my hand, I can take you to the best spots where nobody else will know.”

Hand

Well….. we did just that and we followed him, and before I go any further this man was driving a brand new MK3 Escort Estate 1.3L, in BEIGE of all colours.   I don’t care who you are or what year it is or was, even what car is on the planet at the time….. no-one sits in their house flicking through a brochure and saying to themselves, “Hmmmmmm……I think I’ll buy a new car and Ohhhhh YES….and I want it in Beige.”  And it had a brown interior.

Estate car.png

The ford Escort XR3i that we were in was a 1.6i and at the time it was a fast car so you’d think keeping up with this guy would be easy, well for a while it wasn’t.  He drove his own car like he had stolen it, like a raving lunatic!  He clearly, in his own demented head, thought he was on the actual Rally as a competitor.  Anyway, I had soon lost my appetite for the last

Hands over face

of my 2 cheese and Branston sandwiches and I daren’t even look at my flask of tea.

I knew things were now getting serious, because the stereo was turned off for full concentration and all of a sudden we could see 2 lights in the rear view mirror…..

Rear view

YEP, hurtling towards us from behind, at warp speed (and NO it wasn’t the Starship Enterprise) it was a Rally car in the middle of the stage which we are were also in the middle of!

In the nick of time the both cars pulled over to allow the Rally car pass, and then we moved on again knowing full well another Rally car would soon be behind us.  We were lost, the ‘FOOL’ in front of us had no idea where he was going and neither did we. I looked at my cheese and Branston sandwich

kitchen

thinking “Mother Frantony will shout at me if I waste them and she’ll shout at me if she finds out that I’m in a Rally in a normal car with normal seat belts no roll cage and no fire extinguisher and let’s not forget the helmet.   So the FOOL in front was speeding off around every bend in the lanes, then all of a sudden he was gone.  Then we saw him way ahead of us, only his car looked taller and thinner…… well, it was going

Car on side

to happen, he was in a ditch with his car on its side.

Standing on the seats with half his body out of the window we stopped, I thought brilliant “I’m going to be in the back and he’s going to want one of my cheese and Branston sandwiches.”  Luckily, he told us that he’d be okay and for us to drive on, so that’s exactly what we did.  5 miles later we drove in to Llandovery town and through the finish line with every one about to cheer but they just stared at us in disbelief instead.

Finish line

We didn’t hang around, so we headed straight home finishing off my cheese and Branston sandwiches along the way and by 7:30am I was tucked up in bed, I didn’t even clean my teeth but I was glad to be home.  I’ve never been on a Rally since; I find it far easier and safer to watch it on TV!  I have no idea who the FOOL was that we were following or even if he’s still in the ditch 28 years on!  Probably not, and of course he clearly had no idea what the back of his hand looked like!

As this is the Easy Blend, I‘d thought I’d let you know what I’m listening to.  Today it’s Michael Jackson – Man in the Mirror

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

Until the next Easy Blend blog……….. 

Stay warm and fuzzy……..

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Eye Sore Nothing…..

In previous blogs, I told you I once worked in a very peculiar place.  Anyway that’s nothing to do with the story, but the incident happened within this very peculiar place, and I also (a very important part of the story) have a small head…. a ‘pin-head’ if you like.

It was the early 90’s and I was a fully grown adult…….YES…..but with a small head.  My job was to repair crashed cars, which obviously meant that I was working with metal.  It also meant working with lots of dangerous tools; I could use them all….. in some shape anyway.

grinder finger.pngOne of the tools that was regularly used was a grinder.  For those who don’t know, a grinder is a hand held tool with a stone wheel that spins around at supersonic speed allowing you to grind metal down and clean surfaces.

So it was a day like any other day and I, Dave Frantony was working on a car, grinding away as I have done many times before.  The usual attire for this type of working environment is as follows:-

Steel toe cap boots, Overalls, Gloves and Goggles.  As I have pointed out….I have a PIN HEAD, and to this day, I have never been able to find a pair of goggles to fit my head.  Do you remember ‘JOE 90’? Well that’s what I looked like.

Joe 90.png

When your grinder is spinning full pelt on metal, it shoots off 100’s of sparks and ‘swarf’, these are red hot and will be glowing for a few seconds as they leave the wheel until they cool down.

Grinder

For some reason on this day, and I don’t know why, maybe it was the angle of the grinder and the angle of my head and the shape of my head, and the shape of the badly fitting goggles.  In fact, let me show you the calculation just in case you’re ever in my situation.

Anyway, some of the red hot swarf made its way (at a terrific speed) not just into one eye, but right into both eyes….  What were the chances?  Yes, they were badly fitted goggles, but they were covering my

Dinner plate eyes

eyes.  It was as if my eyes decided not to like me anymore, and wanted to get me in trouble, so they took it upon themselves to turn to the size of dinner plates.

Let’s talk about the pain….. well, it hurts.  It’s like a quick sting, then your eyes start to feel rough and you then start to rub them, and by the way…..you must NOT rub your eyes.  So this is what you have to do next, if you can’t wash the swarf out then it’s a trip to the hospital.  Now, if you don’t wash the swarf out then a film will cover your eyes and the swarf will rust and then everything and everyone will look orange….and you don’t want that (but of course if you did allow this

big teeth face

to happen you will lose the ability to spot the people that live under sun beds and trowel fake tan on themselves by the lorry load).

Well after washing my eyes, the swarf was still there so a phone call was made to Mrs Frantony to pick me up and point the car in the direction of the hospital to the A&E!  Once the doctor confirmed that I definitely did have swarf embedded into my eyes, it was then time for the dreaded ‘swarf out of the eye’ removal part.  For this, the Doctor drops brown dye in to your eyes which thankfully also numbs them.  Then your head is placed into a clamp…. no, don’t think vice, a clamp.

Big massive eye picking needle

Once my head was tight and couldn’t be moved and my eyes were numb, the Doctor….using a massive needle….. picked out the swarf as you would pick a splinter from your hand.  The only problem is as he picks your eyes with the needle, they do bounce around a bit, so when he’s finished you think you look a little bit like this.

Cross eyed

After the weird experience, the nurse placed a patch on each eye, of course one eye would have been okay but two……?  She then took me out to the waiting room; Mrs Frantony (so I’m told as I can’t see) stood up and they both laughed “HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa.”

A&E

After about ten minutes had gone by, Mrs Frantony stood behind me and placed her hands on my shoulders she walked me out of the hospital and took me home…..

The patches had to stay on for 24 hours, not ideal when you have to stand up and pee…….. though on that I shall say no more…..!

 

As ever on the Easy Blend, I’m listening to some great music, today it’s Newton Faulkner, Gone in the Morning

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

Until the next Easy Blend blog……….. 

Stay warm and fuzzy……..

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Yankee Candle + Man = Diva

For a long time now (and it has been a long time), we as a human race have been grateful for the light bulb.  We couldn’t live without it…… thank you to the inventors, especially Thomas Edison who successfully led the way; SCrooge.pnghis company today called “General Electric.”

Now, the businesses back in the day making candles…. well, they clearly knew their time was up…..for now!  Who was going to need a candle anymore?  Not when you can flick on a switch and have a bulb that can light up a whole room.  Although I am grateful for the candle, because every Christmas when I watch Scrooge, it wouldn’t be the same if he walked around his big house with a lead lamp…

 

But of course, today lots of us like a ‘scented’ candle, whether it’s to make the house smell nice or to create a romantic mood for you and your partner.  feeling-hornyHmmmm…. it occurs to me that it must mean that before the light bulb was invented and every house had a candle lit….. well…… then everyone must have been feeling horny every night …. just a thought…

Or the other thing that most people seem to like (and I have to agree it does sound nice), is to have a nice long soak in the bath with lots of bubbles and a scented candle lit at both ends, one next to your toes, and the other next to your head.  The bottle and of course the glass of wine in your hand….YES….or a bottle of Prosecco, which seems to be baththe desired fuel for females these days.  And let’s not forget on the odd occasion the annoying small drip of water from the tap…….and its always from the cold….no matter whose bath you’re in.

Back in my day as a child in the 80’s, listening to all the women of the day talk about how they’re going to have a glass of Lambrusco when they get home, every woman was Lambrusco mad.  Then on a Friday or Saturday night there was always a group of girls from school that managed to find an adult to buy them a bottle of Lambrusco in the local shop.  Each girl had to fight to be the one to carry it.  I’m sure

lambrusco-king-arthur

that the girl who was first to take the bottle from the adult felt as if they were King Arthur; in fact if you were drinking Lambrusco back in the 80’s you thought you were as cool as the Prosecco women of today are…….Sorry Ladies…..

 

I do believe (in my humble opinion) that all men have a female gene that is busting to come out; mine reveals itself quite regularly, but for some men…..well….they ignore it or keep it suppressed inside.

man-female-gene

I think these are the ones that go a little crazy on the weekends.  Whereas the man that accepts his female gene, is pretty much constant 7 days a week (again….that’s just my humble opinion)…. What do you think?

 

So I found myself standing in a scented candle shop, which was very busy……who would have thought it?  Scented candle businesses that’s who!  As I walked around the shop, I could see some men trying to fight the urge not to pick up and smell the candles.  But one couple stood out from the rest.  I had to stop and look busy but was secretly listening and watching the couple looking at the scented candles, the man really did look like a man, tall and stocky with a beard.

man-beard

Now the man was finding it impossible to take his face out of the scented candles, the conversation went a little bit like this:-

MAN -“Oh love, smell this one…..that’s stunning that is!”

Woman –“Oh, that is lush, Babe!

She also had 2 scented candles in her hand.  “Smell these Babes…….lush ain’t they?”

Man – “Oh…. it is init….imagine how much nicer it’ll be lit!”

Woman – “Yeh, stunning Babe, let’s get 2 of them!”

The man was now grinning like a little boy, who’s just woke up on Christmas morning, and realised that Santa’s just dropped off everyshouty-face present that he’d wished for.

Man – “Oh….Yes…….I can’t wait to light it!”

He was now nodding his head, clenching on to the scented candles like he was carrying a live human heart in his hand that mustn’t be dropped; both of them were grinning.  I on the other hand looked like this…

But….I dare any MAN to fight the Diva in himself as he smells the aromas of any scented candle!  No matter how big and tuff you think you are, you will be transported to another dimension!  The Diva will take over your body!  Does the businessman cry in his candle shop anymore?  NO! They’re knocking up every bit of wax they can find, dropping in the finest aromas that are knee-wobblingly lovely in to the darkest depths of the mix, whilst carefully lowering the wick in to the dead centre of the candle…. Clever!

Fruity, Nutty, Rosemary, Eucalyptus, Lily and

Ginger, Saffron and Amber, Sage and Sea Salt?  What will be next?

fighting-in-ring

Chicken and Chips?  Curry with 2 Onion Bhajies?  Egg sandwiches? A mechanics oily overalls?  The list could go on, and who knows?  The light bulb manufacturers might even come out with a scented light bulb.  You heard it here first folks “I DECLARE THE COPYWRITE OF SCENTED LIGHT BULBS.”  But listen, MEN!

Whatever new scented candle they think of next…… DON’T fight the Diva in you that is waiting to come out.

So now I’m thinking dare I invest my money in to the very vehicles that our ancestors travelled on and in before the automobile?  Do I start at the very beginning and sell horse and carts and use the line of the late Henry .T. Ford “You can have any colour wooden cart you want….as long as it’s brown.  I could even do the horse to match.  In fact if you buy the horse with the cart today, you can have the first 2 horse shoes free and a free deep clean cart sweep out…..I tell you what…..I’ll even throw in a free brush for the horse, but you must sign today…….you can’t come back tomorrow because the offer won’t be on the table!”

horse-cart-stable

 

As usual on the Easy Blend, I’m listening to great music; today it’s Labi Siffre – Something inside so strong.

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

 

The Maintenance man……with a motorcycle?

Tools for the job….we all need them right?  No matter what profession we’re in!

So it was late afternoon when I heard a knock at the door…….it’s one of my neighbours.  As the door opens, I see he has a look on his face that tells me he doesn’t want to be knocking on my door……

“Neighbour…… how are you?”

“Dave, any chance I can borrow your long double ladders?”

There was a pause.  Unbeknown Neighbour gods.pngto me and my neighbour, he suddenly had (unseen to the naked eye) a ZAPP of guilt from the guilt Gods above, who were clearly looking down on him because before I could even answer him, the story changed.

“Well in fact, Dave, it’s not for me…….would it be okay if my mother in-law borrowed your long double ladders please?”

Now I’ll be honest with you, my first thoughts were “they’re my ladders we’re talking about…..not the village bike, they’re not there for anyone to use.”  But of course, I am a nice guy!

The neighbour started to explain the reason why the long double ladders were needed “What it is…… is that my mother in-law is having some painting done on her bungalow and the maintenance man (let me just write that again!)  ‘THE MAINTENANCE MAN’ doesn’t have a set of ladders.  In fact he also doesn’t have a van…..he only has a Motorcycle.”

ladders-on-helmetOf course at this point my mind was bursting with so many images with what I was hearing, so  my first question was “Does the maintenance man, at least have a roof rack on his helmet?”

I didn’t have an answer.

I looked in to my neighbours eyes, “So here we have a maintenance man that does small jobs and maintenance on peoples houses, with no van and no ladders……. and……. and he only rides a motorcycle?”

My brain could not compute this information.

My neighbour nodded ‘No!’ He then began to tell me more “It’s just he can’t reach the eves of the bungalow so that’s why he needs the ladders.”

You see, my lovely blog reader……back in my day, maintenance men always drove a van, with a roof rack and always had an operating-tablearray of ladders and tools.  But of course, I was thankful that he’s a maintenance man and not a Brain Surgeon,
about to operate on someone using a pen knife from his key ring next to his car keys whilst texting his friend about the drunken evening out from the night before.  As the patient lies on the operating table covered in a picnic blanket from the boot of his car which was last used in a dirty field after having a very messy picnic.

Yes I know what you’re thinking…… why does he need double ladders for a bungalow?  Just how high is this bungalow?  How could a maintenance man with no van and no ladders (who said yes to the job jigh-ladderbefore anyone knew my ladders would be in the mix of all this craziness) need long double ladders for a bungalow?  Would he reach the top of the ladders only to have an extension on the handle of the brush because he can’t reach the eves of the bungalow?


And as well as all of this and I’m not sure if any of you have experienced this (I know I have), but there’s nothing more judge-worldembarrassing than carrying big long ladders through the streets where you live….. And, if you don’t believe me try it!  I guarantee you will feel the world is watching and judging you, as you think that they’re thinking you’re up to no good!

I know what you’re thinking; of course our local window cleaner doesn’t have this problem because it’s part of his job.  We as upstanding members of the community accept and will not look twice at a window cleaner carrying his ladders.  But when you know it’s not part of your job to use ladders……well……you know and I know that there’s only 2 opportunities you can walk with ladders on your local streets, and that’s very early in the neighbour-laddersmorning or late at night when there’s less people about.  Just like my neighbour had to experience….all for the love of his mother in-law.  So you see…….that roof rack on a motorcycle helmet doesn’t sound that stupid after all……does it?

 

 

 

As ever on the Easy Blend I’m listening to some great music, today it’s Kate Bush – Cloudbusting

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

Until the next Easy Blend blog……….. 

Stay warm and fuzzy……..

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