For some reason……..and I don’t know why, maybe it’s the ‘Pollen Gods’ sulking in the corner, they decided that when I was thirty one years old, I should start having Hayfever, and NO!…..my Hay fever doesn’t look like this…….
It was a Saturday morning when Mrs Frantony and I were in the mood for a visit to Cardiff City Centre, a 25 minute drive in the car. The sun was out, the music on the stereo was good so it was time to put my elbow out of the open window.
Now, when I was 17, I did think that was a cool look but I have to admit, I still do this today, but then again I do drive a Land Rover Defender. For those of you who are well aware of these vehicles…..you have no choice but to put your elbow out when the window is down, due to the tiny gap between the edge of the steering wheel and the door panel……no matter how long or short your arms are!
So, Mrs Frantony and I were in Cardiff City Centre spoiling ourselves with some clothes shopping and a bit of food. Now at this point my Hayfever was driving me mad, with itchy eyes and lots of sneezing, when we passed a Chinese herbal shop and Mrs Frantony says,
So inside we went.
I told the young Chinese woman at the counter I had Hayfever, and she told me to follow her in to the back room of the shop. She was nice…..so I did. Then an old Chinese woman appeared through a side door and looked me up and down….(it didn’t take long….I’m not that tall).
She spoke in Chinese to the young woman, the young woman then translated to me in English, ”Dave, poke your tongue out…”
I poked my tongue out to the old woman. Again in Chinese, she spoke to the young woman, and in turn she translated back to me
“Dave, you are a fiery person….”
I smiled, trying to keep my face looking like an angelic choir boy, looking like I didn’t know what she’s talking about.
Then she said for £10 I could have Acupuncture for my Hayfever. I thought since I was here, why not? She then told me to take my clothes off, right down to my pants.
Mrs Frantony left me in the back room and was told to come back in an hour. The old Chinese woman, who apparently didn’t speak any English (Yeah right!) pointed at the brown leather bed. I’ll be honest, my first thought was “Am I glad I’ve put on nice tidy blue pants today?!” She then started to put the Acupuncture needles in my arms, my legs, my feet….. and the bottom of my feet…. then my face, then my head and my chest……. the only way of ever escaping was on my bum!
Once I resembled a pin cushion, with every single Acupuncture needle that the herbal shop owned stuck in me; the old Chinese woman started to rub my belly, before putting a red heat lamp over the part she had just rubbed and walking out of the room, leaving me all on my own.
Now I’m not going to lie to you…….. (I wouldn’t do that) I was thinking “Am I in the Twilight Zone?” I was wondering how I got to be in this position, considering I only came to Cardiff to do a bit of shopping and yet I was now looking like someone who had just rolled down a thick forest on the steepest, longest hill of the biggest cactus plants known to man.
It felt like days and days before I saw her again…..well not really….it was 40 minutes, but at the time it might as well been days. The old Chinese woman took so long to come back, I even had a beard when she came back in to the room. She turned the red heat lamp off and took all of the needles out of me……I looked like a sieve.
I put my clothes back on as she disappeared through the side door, then the young Chinese woman with perfect timing as I done up the last button on my jeans, came in and took me back to the front of the shop. I paid the £10 while still trying to work out how all of this just happened and how did the young woman know I was doing up my last button on my jeans?
So….. I know there are 2 questions on your mind…….Please let me try and answer them.
- Did it cure me of my Hayfever? NO, 12 years on and I’m just as bad with itchy eyes and sneezing with more G-FORCE than any fighter pilot has ever experienced, but maybe if I kept going back it would have made a difference…..but I’m in no rush to do so.
- Is it really that easy to get Dave down to his pants? I don’t know…… I’m not sure….. Maybe…… NO….. YES…. NO….. OH, I don’t know!!?!??
As ever on the Easy Blend I’m listening to some great music, today it’s Aerosmith, Sweet Emotion
You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)
Until the next Easy Blend blog………..
Stay warm and fuzzy……..