My childhood night-time activities

Where do I start?  I can’t tell you them all…..not enough ink in my computer……?

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I remember being around 10 yrs old…….. not far off the same size as I am now.  Mother Frantony would say it was time for bed, after my milk and biscuits.  Yes, for kids today, still nothing has changed.  The game was how long and slow you could eat the biscuit and drink the milk.  I can still hear my mother shouting now after all these years “Come on!  I’m not stupid, I know you’re trying to drag out going to bed!  DAVID……COME ON!”

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Anyway, eventually once in bed in my brushed cotton pyjamas (I love the feel of them!!)  And before I go on……bring back brushed cotton sheets and blankets!

Anyway, once in bed with my young boys dream poster Blu-tacked over my bed, of the iconic Lamborghini, (and by the way, I’m sure Blu tack is different today – my memory of it was that it always stayed sticky

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and never turned hard, and it didn’t take half of your wall with it when you took it off and ripped your poster to shreds), I was tucked in tight, sometimes so tight the mattress would curve revealing the bed springs and send me rolling in to the middle (A good sign you were never going to roll back out of bed)

I loved being tucked in tight, the only problem it caused, was the worry of being caught from a previous act of trying to take one of the “V” shaped springs from the metal bed frame.

‘Why’ you ask?

Gat gun

Well, because they were good for making a GAT GUN.

And I’m man enough…..or…..Not man enough to admit, the last words from me as Mum or Dad were leaving my bedroom were always “Leave the door open……and leave the landing light on!”……  While I’m at it, I’ll also tell you that I would never sleep with my legs straight; they were always curled up in a ball.

‘Why’ you ask again?

Well for some reason I had a vision of an old witch that lived underneath the bottom of my bed, and if my feet would ever stick out of the cotton blankets, she would use her long green warty covered fingers and scrape her red sharp nails down the soles of my feet.

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Which is impossible…..even today….as I’ve said, I’m not the tallest and if my Mother knew there was a witch under my bed she would go nuts, and anyway my Dad would have noticed when he last decorated when moving the bed.

You can now understand my dilemma when my mother told me that the blankets are going because this new item of bedding was now out on the market and in the shops….. it was called a ‘Quilt’ or should it be ‘Duvet’ and you don’t have to tuck them in.  My face must have been a picture.  First night with the new ‘Quilt/Duvet’ I’m sure I had a pair of thick heavy duty boots on because I knew the witch would be rubbing her hands laughing, ready to get my feet when I was asleep.  I’d never felt so vulnerable not being tucked in!

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Once in bed with my feet curled up, I would take the radio from my bedside cabinet and hide under the blankets trying to tune in to the Police frequency and hear what was going on in the outside world while me and the imaginary witch were in the warm; nice and safe.  The radio needed to be down low so my Mum and Dad didn’t hear, I couldn’t lie on the pillow because you needed both ears to listen, between the bad frequency and low volume.  So the only answer was to use the radio as the pillow, but there was a consequence in doing this.  Because on more than one occasion, I would fall asleep on the speaker, waking up in the middle of the night, with the imprint of the speaker holes on my face.

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Yes, I tried lying on my stomach folding my arms, but I also fell asleep like it once and my arms went numb.  As I eventually released them my face crash landed in the radio, I couldn’t move as the pins and needles kicked in and there was nothing I could do until the feeling came back in them…….. I know…..a rookie mistake.

I still love radio today, I love listening to radio, I love presenting on radio, and even now, there’s nothing like listening to radio late at night when you’re tucked up in bed.  If you haven’t tried it, get it done!

 

As ever on the Easy Blend I’m listening to some great music, today it’s Heathens by Twenty One Pilots, from the film Suicide Squad.

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

Until the next Easy Blend blog……….. 

Stay warm and fuzzy……..

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Acupuncture….? Really……? But…… oh……OK….

Hayfever gods

For some reason……..and I don’t know why, maybe it’s the ‘Pollen Gods’ sulking in the corner, they decided that when I was thirty one years old, I should start having Hayfever, and NO!…..Hay fevermy Hay fever doesn’t look like this…….

It was a Saturday morning when Mrs Frantony and I were in the mood for a visit to Cardiff City Centre, a 25 minute drive in the car.  The sun was out, the music on the stereo was good so it was time to put my elbow out of the open window.

In car

Now, when I was 17, I did think that was a cool look but I have to admit, I still do this today, but then again I do drive a Land Rover Defender.  For those of you who are well aware of these vehicles…..you have no choice but to put your elbow out when the window is down, due to the tiny gap between the edge of the steering wheel and the door panel……no matter how long or short your arms are!

So, Mrs Frantony and I were in Cardiff City Chinese herbal shopCentre spoiling ourselves with some clothes shopping and a bit of food.  Now at this point my Hayfever was driving me mad, with itchy eyes and lots of sneezing, when we passed a Chinese herbal shop and Mrs Frantony says,

helen

 

 

 

 

So inside we went.

I told the young Chinese woman at the counter I had Hayfever, and she told me to follow her in to the back room of the shop.  She was nice…..so I did.  Then an old Chinese woman appeared through a side door and looked me up and down….(it didn’t take long….I’m not that tall).

She spoke in Chinese to the young woman, poke tongue outthe young woman then translated to me in English, ”Dave, poke your tongue out…”

 

I poked my tongue out to the old woman.  Again in Chinese, she spoke to the young woman, and in turn she translated back to me

 

 

Fire“Dave, you are a fiery person….”

I smiled, trying to keep my face looking like an angelic choir boy, Altar Boylooking like I didn’t know what she’s talking about.

 

Then she said for £10 I could have Acupuncture for my Hayfever.  I thought since I was here, why not?  DavidShe then told me to take my clothes off, right down to my pants.

 

Mrs Frantony left me in the back room and was told to come back in an hour.  The old Chinese woman, who apparently didn’t speak any English (Yeah right!) pointed at the brown leather bed.  I’ll be honest, my first thought was “Am I glad I’ve put on nice tidy blue pants today?!”  She then started to put the Acupuncture needles in my arms, my legs, my feet….. and the bottom of my feet…. Bum walkingthen my face, then my head and my chest…….  the only way of ever escaping was on my bum!

 

Once I resembled a pin cushion, with every single Acupuncture needle that the herbal shop owned stuck in me; the old Chinese woman started to on tablerub my belly, before putting a red heat lamp over the part she had just rubbed and walking out of the room, leaving me all on my own.

 

Now I’m not going to lie to you…….. (I wouldn’t do that) I was thinking “Am I in the Twilight Zone?”  I was wondering how I got to be in this position, considering I only came to Cardiff to do a bit of shopping and yet I was now looking like someone who had just rolled down a thick forest on the steepest, longest hill of the biggest cactus plants known to man.

BeardIt felt like days and days before I saw her again…..well not really….it was 40 minutes, but at the time it might as well been days.  The old Chinese woman took so long to come back, I even had a beard when she came back in to the room.  She turned the red heat lamp off and took all of the needles out of me……I looked like a sieve.

sieve

I put my clothes back on as she disappeared through the side door, then the young Chinese woman with perfect timing as I done up the last button on my jeans, came in and took me back to the front of the shop.  I paid the £10 while still trying to work out how all of this just happened and how did the young woman know I was doing up my last button on my jeans?

So….. I know there are 2 questions on your mind…….Please let me try and answer them.

  1. Did it cure me of my Hayfever? NO, 12 years on and I’m just as bad with itchy eyes and sneezing with more G-FORCE than any fighter pilot has ever experienced, but maybe if I kept going back it would have made a difference…..but I’m in no rush to do so.
  2. Is it really that easy to get Dave down to his pants? I don’t know…… I’m not sure….. Maybe…… NO….. YES…. NO….. OH, I don’t know!!?!??

 

As ever on the Easy Blend I’m listening to some great music, today it’s Aerosmith, Sweet Emotion

You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)

Full cover single

Until the next Easy Blend blog……….. 

Stay warm and fuzzy……..

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