Mrs Frantony had left for the hair dressers. As well as having a hair cut she was having lots of colours put in her hair, and I mean lots of colours, so I knew I had an easy 3 hours to myself.
Now before Mrs Frantony takes all my pocket money away and puts a curfew on me, she doesn’t really look as bad as I’ve drawn her. Although in the mornings…….No…No! Stop it Dave! And before you think it, Mrs Frantony doesn’t walk around like she has silly string on her head!
Anyway it was a lovely sunny day with no more than four clouds in the sky (I know….I counted), so there was only one thing to do, and that was to go for a long ride on my motorcycle up into the Brecon Beacons.
I wheeled my lovely bright green Kawasaki Ninja out of the garage and onto the drive. Then it was time to put on my two piece leathers (which by the way can be an ordeal). Taking deep breaths, I slid into my leather trousers and eventually they reached my waist. Now for the boots…..
When I bought them in the shop they looked awesome, but when you’re wearing them it’s like having your feet set in two blocks of concrete. So before zipping up my fly and doing up the button, the boots have to go on first – I just can’t bend over enough otherwise.
The jacket is next, then the buff around my neck and……and let this be a lesson for all bikers around the world, the helmet is next and THEN the gloves. Because even if your life depended on it, you’ll never find or feel the strap, it’ll be like trying to pick up coins off the floor with boxing gloves on.
Alright, this is the bit that is top secret but it’s been awhile, so I’m willing to tell you my super-dooper trick that helps me ride the bike that little bit easier. I’m not the tallest of people, so when I sit on the bike my both feet cannot touch the floor. Sports bikes are very high….or I’m very small. Now, the trick is that I have to bend over in the kitchen and spray polish on my backside. Yep it works; it helps me slide on the seat ready to put my one foot down on the floor at traffic lights.
So I’m ready for the ride out when the phone rings…. off come the gloves and the helmet. It’s Mrs Frantony, “Dave…I’ve forgotten money, bring me some down to pay the hair dresser.”
I de-tour my ride-out to the hair dresser’s with the money in my pocket and pull up outside; in front of the huge window where everyone in the world is having their hair cut, apart from me, and this is where it all starts to go wrong. There’s a huge camber in the road next to the pavement that was modelled on a camels hump. There was a sign up saying “NO PARKING.” It should have read “Can’t park!”
This was a problem for me with my short legs, I lean the bike to the right with my right leg down so my left leg can put the stand down. But the stand only goes halfway down because it touches the camber in the road and I’m unable to push the bike forward from being tip toe with my right leg. The window of the hair dresser was as big as a cinema screen; I could feel my head boiling up from the heat of everyone’s eyes looking at me not being able to get off the bike.
Mrs Frantony sees it’s me and looks the other way burying her face in a magazine as the girl putting the colours on hair shouted out to the other people having their hair cut “Look how small he is on that bike! He looks like a mini Power Ranger.” After what felt like days, even weeks, I decided that my wife will have to pay the hair dresser another day. I started the bike up shaking my head, not sure whether to laugh or cry, wondering if I’d be stuck on my motorcycle for the rest of my life never to get off!
Luckily no one knew it was me with my full face helmet on and dark visor, I quickly rode off to the Brecon beacons psyching myself up for either Mrs Frantony to laugh when I get home or just shake her head in disbelief at what she has married….
As this is the Easy Blend, I thought I’d let you know what I’m listening to. Today it’s The Damnwells – Golden Days
Don’t forget, you can buy my book Farrago: Ten Tall Tales here…. (click on the cover)
Until the next Easy Blend blog………..
Stay warm and fuzzy……..