2020…….. What a peculiar year with devastating results and an insight into human behaviour, from brave actions to utter madness and ‘let’s all buy from Amazon to get our shopping fix’. Even the cats gone mad with you being home all day invading their space and they were the only ones allowed out.
Covid 19, never to be forgotten and surely isn’t going to go away anytime soon. Once the virus had hit our shores a lot of people began to take a real interest in their own bums…..that’s right bums, rear end, buttocks and dare I say….arse or as the Americans say ASS!
As you’ll recall, it would have been easier to break into the Pentagon and walk away with classified papers than it was to walk down the aisle of a supermarket with a pack of four toilet rolls under your arm. But if you were lucky enough to do so, you then had the people queuing by the tills staring with killer laser-beam eyes, all checking if you had bought too many rolls for a one week shop. I was even feeling guilty that on the odd occasion I was fortunate to have had some in my trolley. It was as if their bum was more important than mine. To be honest though, I did use fewer sheets……’sheets’ I said, in that period when it was hard to get hold of toilet paper……you know, just in case the short supply turned into a serious problem.
Please pardon me for the next chapter of information that you might not want to know but I’m going to tell you anyway. All my blogs are always honest and true so feel free to use your imagination. There was a time in the mid 1980’s, I was around the age of 13 years old. A gang of us local kids were playing in the nearby woods having fun with not a care in the world, wearing our white towel socks and ‘Cosmic’ branded jeans that were so stiff they’d stop a bullet. When suddenly in amongst the laughter of stick snapping and climbing trees, one of the boys, who in this story ‘for Health and Safety reasons’ will be called ‘Rupert’ shouted out
‘Boys, I need to take a Sh*T!’
Another friend answered to his call ‘But Rupert. you don’t have any toilet paper!’
Rupert replied ‘I don’t care! I’ve got to go before it’s too late!’
So Rupert disappeared off into the ferns and carried out what nature had called him to do, at a moment’s notice. We on the other hand, sat under a tree and waited with our hands over our nose. Eventually, Rupert appeared through the jungle of ferns.
Another friend spoke ‘Rupert, how on earth did you wipe your bum?’
With that Rupert tapped his index finger on the side of his head whilst pulling out a Swiss Army knife from his pocket ‘Scraped it with this boys….scraped it with this!’
Well it was anyone’s guess which one of the functions he’d used for the intricate task deep within the ferns. He was certainly spoilt for choice; his Swiss Army knife resembled an industrial magnet that had been hiding in a Hotel cutlery drawer.
So, in the period of the toilet tissue shortage I knew that wherever ‘Rupert’ was in the world, he’d be okay. Also, I’d never buy a second hand Swiss Army Knife either, but that’s just me.
Then people were buying up hand soap, Ibuprofen, Paracetamol, and to my amazement spaghetti and flour was also hard to come by. Yet fresh fish and meat and vegetables were in abundance. There are also face masks being worn, so we all now look like Dick Turpin ready to rob a stagecoach travelling through the local woods as you shout out ‘Your money or your life!’ But then you get side tracked by the beautiful woman frightened, breathing heavy in her low cut dress. Sorry I digressed from my own blog there, I do apologise. Anyway, where was I…… ah yes, masks. But as well as masks there’s the rubber gloves, I’ve watched numerous people drive their cars to the supermarket already wearing them. Shop with them on, push the trolley around, pick up groceries then jump back in their car still wearing the gloves and some even smoking a cigarette with them on. So, if you want to know where COVID 19 lives…..well it’s on their steering wheels. But there’s also others that are happy to throw them onto the floor, right out of the car window or even worse leave them in the shopping trolley for the next shopper to dispose of them. Naughty, Naughty I say. So as the saying goes ‘We’re in this together’….well some are, others are in it for themselves.
You’ll be pleased to know that myself and my bum survived to live another day even though the experience of food shopping was like being on the set of a Mad Max movie.
Then there was the ‘Clap for the NHS’ on Thursday nights at 8pm, which by the way was an important task. As all frontline workers still had to carry out their duty no matter what, whether it was NHS, Care Workers, Cleaners, Shop staff and Delivery drivers alike, please forgive if I missed anyone else out. Some stood quietly and clapped, others felt the need to stand right out in the street for the entire world to see and chat closely to other neighbours whilst supposedly in quarantine. So in reality they needed to clap the loudest because they were clapping for the Doctors and Nurses in advance before they gave each other the virus. Then I witnessed other neighbours, again ‘for Health and Safety reasons’ let’s call them ‘Toy’. Walking around their front gardens trying to act like a one-man-band banging on saucepans with wooden spoons. At first I thought they were busking but luckily I can speak ‘banging on bottoms of saucepans’ language and it translated into (say it in Homer Simpsons voice for the full effect!) “Ooooh… look at me, I’m making more noise than you! Aren’t I just the best!….. I’m a SUPER NEIGHBOUR!!’
I’ve also heard stories of people now having to adapt working from home using ZOOM and TEAM meetings. Trying to find the most affluent patch of wall they have in their home so they look rich and posh, but the look is soon ruined when the children come into the room shouting at the top of their voice swinging a plastic sword pretending to be in an Errol Flynn movie or Star Wars with a pretend lightsaber whilst using a voice effect of a can’t be bothered wasp with asthma. Or there’s the partner walking around in the background in their pants or even worse, no pants. Yes I’ve also heard that some of you are only dressing from the waist up just because you can. For those of you that are not so technically minded thinking you’ve finished your meetings but haven’t worked out how to turn off the camera or microphone…. well, your work colleges have heard you rant about half the people you’ve just had a meeting with……OOPS!
I’m not going to mention the extra weight that some of you have put on with all the extra eating and drinking. I’m also not going to mention if some of you are wondering if your home schooling skills have made your children less intelligent. But I have to mention that every teenager now looks like a Marine, each one with the easiest homemade hair cut known to man, a skin head. Most men now look like Robinson Crusoe. Yes not being able to go to the Chiropodists has made your Nan’s toe nails look like Wolverine’s hands. Even one old woman, who passes my house, now has the hairstyle in the shape of Napoleons hat. Women who’ve not had your eyes brows shaped, don’t worry! I agree they’ve gone bushy but at least they are a natural shape which is natural and normal. Instead of resembling a 2 inch strips of thick black insulation tape that’s been stolen out of an Electricians tool box. Also women that love a tanning salon are not looking as orange as they usually do. To all the beautiful ladies in the world who have been unable to have haircuts or colour their hair….. Yes, us men do have a sneaky look and can clearly see your Badger effect hair style with your grey roots………. so many grey roots but it’s okay, we will love you for what you really look like, which at the moment is ‘Cousin Itt’ from the Addams Family.
Well, us human beings, we are a weird bunch that can easily crumble in a split second. Always learning something new about ourselves and others, however old we are. So no need to show off, always be humble, because who knows what tomorrow will bring, and how our true colours can change in the heat of any moment…..
As ever on the Easy Blend I’m listening to some great music, today it has to be Cyndi Lauper, True Colours
You can find out more about my book ‘Farrago: Ten Tall Tales’ and buy it here…. (click on the cover)
Until the next Easy Blend blog………..
Stay warm and fuzzy……..